I didn't get any sleep the night before, not because the baby needed to be fed or held, but because I woke up every two hours nervous about my "first day". I had the jitters. Classic. I was nervous, scared and every emotion in between. This summer, as I previously said, was not only the best summer of my life. But the most special and amazing time I have ever spent. I don't know how those super human moms do it. But they find a way and they get it done and somehow I will too. I started our morning at 6am, fed Reese, put her back into bed (See Middle Pic), pumped, got ready, went to daycare. Did pretty well until I left there and realized as I was pulling into the parking garage I left my cell phone. Well, obviously I'm going to need that. Went right back to daycare, grabbed the phone, gave Reese more smooches and headed back out. As I walked into work, it felt surreal. The last time I had done this, I was 9 months pregnant. I feel like a totally different person, yet everything has stayed the same and I'm the different one. I cried at work a few times, and arrived to pick Reese up promptly at 1:30 in tears for the daycare lady to ask, "Is everything ok?" "Oh! Yes! Just missed my love." Then she gave me a hug because I'm the crazy, sensitive mama that is going through separation anxiety from the best thing that has ever happened to Zach and I.
She said, "Well you have a very sweet daughter and she did great." Reese had the biggest grin on her face when I picked her up today. Loved it. But I used to get those ALL day long.
Grandma came over with some starbucks to cheer me up and a biscotti treat and we played for awhile and then got dinner with daddy.
After I fed Reese tonight, I realized as I was getting ready to put her in her bed we didn't read a book today as we have every single day. That did me in. I bawled again. So we read one of mommy's sappy favorites "I'll Love You Forever". I can recite that book by heart as it was one of my absolute favorites growing up.
Reesie girl, I promise that even though I can't read to you every DAY, I will absolutely read to you each and every NIGHT. I made that promise to her tonight after we said our prayers.
Working full time and being away from my baby girl sure will be hard, I only experienced half a day today. So I need to find a way to change my outlook. I have been so fortunate to have the time we shared together, as that is much longer than many women get. I am so fortunate to have a healthy, beautiful and amazing baby girl who is so incredibly happy. I am very fortunate. This I know. So when they say the classic "It does get better" I texted Ashley tonight and asked, "Does it really get better or is that something people just say?" She assured me it does indeed get better.
So in the words of Garth Brooks (don't make fun)...
I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me
Thank you for all the mamas and friends who thought of me today and made today, just a little bit easier.
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